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* today ive come to a decision. one that is going to change my whole life. ive decided that im not going to let the little things phase me anymore. no more crying over guys, they arent worth it. no more sweating the pety drama, its pointless. In the end i'll be left with better memories, ones that have more meaning. ones that i wont be ashamed of. ones that i will want to look back on 20 years from now. as opposed to remembering all the time i wasted crying in my room, in my bed, all alone, time wasted being angry over the little things. Today is the start of brighter days. The start of something great. now when i grow old, i will honestly be able to say, i lived life... to the fullest *
* best friends, such a funny thing. i have one question, how could you ever call yourself my friend? no person in their right mind would hurt their friend like you've hurt me. so next time you decide to call someone your friend, make sure you would never think about doing to them what you did to me, or let me tell you, that will be a friendship liike ours, one that didnt last. *
* when we used to talk i would tell you about my insecurities, everything that troubled me, i told you all about my past, about all the guys that have hurt me, how all them made me come to hate myself, become so insecure. look at what your doing. now that i let go of all those guys from my past, you have taken their place. you are now the reason for my pain, the reason i cry, the reason for all the tears pouring down my face. not so long ago you told me i was an amazing girl, one of your best friends. you got angry when i told you about all those guys that hurt me and caused me so much pain. you are nothing but a hypocrite. im glad i could finally see who you are, nothing but a superficial jerk. thanks for finally letting the real you out, so my heart can no longer be fooled by your cute little smile and all your bullshit lies. *
* im through with keeping our friendship together, im done caring about you, when couldnt give a shit about me, im finished trying to help you out and keep you happy - - nothing is worth it anymore, it is all pOintLesS buLLshiT *
* my friend, dont cry, stand tall, i kno your life is starting to fall, nothing seems right, but soon enough this nightmare will be over, you just have to put up a fight, i know your strong, i know your tough, though somedays youll feel like youve just had enough, no matter what happens, no matter what goes on, ill always be here, every laugh to every tear, when it seems like everyone is gone, no one is true, remember im always gona be there for you, people may turn their backs, friends might start talking trash, but i kno you can rise up, i know you can push through, all you need to do my friend is stay strong, stay tough, keep your head up, soon it will all be over, everything will be okay, but until then, until that very day, theres one thing you can be sure of, one thing thats true, and thats the friendship we have, the one between me and you. *
* people change, i know they do, but you have changed so much to the point that we really arent even friends anymore. we've been through so much together, always sticking side by side, now we barly even get in a 'hello' wen we see eachother, what happened? what went wrong? im not quite sure, but i know i still care, i know i still love you, so whenever you feel like coming back around, whenever you want those old days back, i'll still be standing here, right where you left me *
* what the hell happened? where did we go wrong? we called eachother best friends? in just a matter of days that all changed, it changed completely. we went from talking every night, everyday, all the time, to talking every week. we went from hanging out everyday, to hanging out.. never. its amazing how you never even seem to notice me anymore. i miss the way it all used to be, i miss the way you used to care. i guess you could say i miss the way you used to be, the old you. you've changed, and ive tried to accept that, but its just too hard. its too hard to accept that fact that we arent best friends anymore. its hard to accept the fact that you just dont have time for me. all i want is for you to make time, at least for you to pretend like you care. im just looking back on everything, and i miss it, do you ever do that, do you ever look back and look at how close we used to be? do you ever look back and wish that things could be like that again? maybe just for a day? because thats what i do every day. all i have is the memories, i just wish i could still be living in them *
* dad, i was sitting waiting for you all night, now tell me do you think thats right? i would get anxious at every passing car, wondering where in the world you are, do you even care? this seriously is not fair, i waited for so long, heard the same old songs, i finally couldnt wait anymore, i stayed up until about four, you could have pulled up the driveway and turned it all around, but i didnt hear that same old sound, the sound of your car coming near, your life is what i fear, what if your not okay? thats the only thing mom heard me say, you didnt call like you said, im laying away in bed, waiting for the sound of your car, wondering where in the world you are *
* around my friends i act like a fool, i dont worry about doing 'whats cool', but around my friends that arent so real, i dont always act the way i feel, i act differently so they will like me, around my boys i try to let them see, who i really am, but sometimes im too busy just trying to get seen, basically like every other girl teen, so its really not just another act, because i know they always got my back, my parents try to change me in every single way, so its kind of hard to be me again until i get away, around my brothers i can be me, because it doesnt matter what they see, they make jokes to see what i'll do, i dont let it get to me, even though i love them and i wish theyd love me too, but no matter what i always try to be true, its hard to be when i dont even know why i am, tell me who *
* its time to take off one mask, as im hearded for a different task, im going from teachers to friends, its time for my act to end, ive been sitting there in class for a while, with nothing but a smile, my real friends know who i am, i dont even have to try to fool them, so now its time to tear, tear the mask i once did wear, put on another one and go have some fun, so now its time to take off one mask, as im headed for a different task. *
* Maybe i will regain the life i once had, i thought id like this life, i thought id like it here, but sometimes i wonde, who is here with me? its now all blind to me, i cant take it anymore, my family is broken, my friends are gone, its just too hard to believe, my mom wont stop crying, the yelling wont stop, so now this is why i want to regain the life that i once had.. *
* My novel is filled with saddness and heartbreaks, upsets, tears, and smiles i fake, my novel is fulled with many walk outs, nights of hearing screaming and shouts, my novel is filled with me crying in bed, so many words that i've left unsaid, my novel is not finished yet, but it will not be getting any better, i bet.. *
* do you remember those nights we spent together? did they mean anything to you, or was i just used right from the start? the way you kissed me made me feel like for once i might mean something to you, for once when i looked into your eyes, you were right there staring back into mine, looking at me the way i have always looked at you. i never thought i would get a chance like this, but i did, and i loved every minute of it. i loved just laying next to you. i loved just falling asleep in your arms then waking up, knowing you were there, knowing i was safe inside your arms wrapped so tight. it was the best feeling in the world. a feeling that i would love to have every morning, but it was all so limited. its all gone now, and it meant nothing to you, but let me just tell you, it meant everything to me.. *
* im sorry that i let you down. im sorry that im not that perfect child that you wished for. i try my best, mommy i really do. i try to help you out as much as i can, i know its hard doing things on your own, but sometimes i do all i can do, but it seems like its never enough. there is always some reason why you are dissappointed in me, some reason why your mad, i just dont know what more i can do. you get mad that im never home, but when i am home you never have the time for me. you are always busy doing this or doing that, no time for us to sit down and watch a movie, even just sit down and talk, catch up on eachother. i try to be there for you when your upset, i know that dad makes you cry, i know that many other guys have hurt you too, i wish i could be a better daughter. i wish i could be that little girl you've always wanted. i just want you to know i really do try my best.. *
* does it affect you at all to know that i cant even look at you without hurting? i could never look you in the eye again. if i tried, i would look into your eyes and see our past. i would remember every moment we shared, every laugh that we lauged, every talk that we've had, everything. that is all just too painful for me, so dont be suprised when i dont look you in the eye when we talk. and dont be suprised if i turn away in the middle of conversation. i just dont want you to see the pain in the my eyes and the tears rolling down my cheeks. *
* it seems like every other girl can get what i want. they dont even have to try or put up a fight. me on the other hand, give my life, put my heart out there, do everything and never get anything. those other girls are gorgeous, sorry im not. those other girls are outgoing, sorry im not. sorry that im nothing close to what they are. sorry i never could be. its just a thing im learning to deal with. a little thing called being me. *
* this is the last poem i will ever write about you, as far as im concerned you are through, no more crying at night, no more having to put up a fight, i just cant deal with this anymore, my heart and emotions you tore, i dont know when we will next speak, because of all this you may think im weak, but im not, seeing as im just getting up and walking away, i know you would never ask me to stay, it seems as though you dont even care, no, it definitely is not fair, i gave you my life, my love, my heart, for you to just tear it apart,as i saw it, we had something good, something others wish they could, there is no point in trying to stick around, your laugh, your voice, your every sound, its so sad to me, but after five months im letting you be, lately you havent done anything but made me cry, every word you said to me was a lie, you made me believe things that werent true, so now im off, off to find someone new, i dont need someone around, just to bring me down, im moving on to a new life, im done with the pain, done with the strife, i wish it would be easier, i'm still not over you, but i will never let it show, there is nothing i can do to make the feelings go, but for now i can pretend that this is goodbye, i am off, going to live a lie. *
* are you ashamed of me? ashamed of being related to me? ashamed of having to call me your sister? i feel as though i am just one big screw up, the mess up in this family of perfect people. i feel so out of place, i feel so looked down on, so unloved. none of you understand what its like to be me. you dont know what its like just barly making it, just barly passing. you are all up there with your straight a's, while im back here with my 'average' grades. mom isnt on your case everday, like she is on mine. she looks down on me, and up to you boys. its just not fair. what makes me the 'bad' child. just because i dont catch onto things as easily? because im just catching onto life? you all dont even care about me, you dont know any of the things going on in my life right now outside my family, nor do you bother to ask me how im doing. i just feel like when i need family to lean on the most, you all push me away. you, being my older brothers, i wish you were there, like you used to be. i wish you would not only be my brothers, but be my friends, instead of being ashamed of me. i wish we could get back that brother-sister-best friend bond we all once had.. *
* Im finally letting you go, letting myself move on, for so long you were the only thought in my mind, the only guy in my heart, the onle one i could see myself with, the lonely days and nights spent without you soon turned into weeks, then into months, not once did i have you to call my own, i stood there with a smile on my face while i watched you with other girls, while i listened to you talk about the one you loved, though it hurt, i put up with it, til today i realized i shouldnt have to put up with it, i should no longer have to deal with this pain i feel everytime i look into your eyes, everytime i pass you in the halls, or even just talk to you online, today is an end to my previous dreams, the day my hope is gone, today is the beginning of the rest of my life. *
* the feeling of pain is becoming too familiar, the tears stain my cheeks, the frown wont leave my face, everything is going wrong, not one thing right, i let down my family more and more each da. my friends turn their backs one by one, the guy ive loved for so many months, doesnt even acknowledge my existance anymore, all im searching for in this mess i must call my life is a smile, a laugh, just a little happiness. *
* four months ago i first layed my eyes on you, four months ago i fell in love, the second my eyes met yours i knew what i wanted, i saw everything i'd been looking for, i looked at you in a special way, a way that i only looked at you, you had no once glanced in my direction, told me how you felt about me, nothing, for four months i went onloving you more and more each day, with noting in return from you, i never would waste that much time on a guy, if i didnt think they were worth it - - but i did.. and you werent. *
* Its funny when it comes down to the real thing, taking sides and talking trash, thats what yous are all about, ive been so nice throughout it all, but when it comes down to it, the past means nothing at all, its weird how fast you turn your backs, weird how fast you shut me out, things change, i know they do, but people change the person they are, just to fit in with the rest, maybe thats the difference between us, maybe thats our cause for drifting apart, because i wont change who i am.. for anyone.. *
* Even though im over you, even though im moving on with my life, doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt, it doesnt mean im not still jealous of her, she has everything i wanted, and everything i would still love to have, i ask you about her to be a friend, you dont need to go into details, a simple 'shes fine' would do it, you two can be together and live your lives, while im sitting here watching with a fake smile on my face and hazy eyes, pretending to be over you. *
* I woke up this morning to a different life, a huge smile on my face, no tears left to cry, i finally realized its time to give up, time to move on, im sure you'll be glad to know that you dont have me on your back anymore, you dont have to worry about hurting me anymore, not that you ever did, i woke up this morning to a life i used to have, a life i used to love, before you came in and destroyed it, laughing, smiling, finally enjoying life once again. *
* when you look back on this you are going to realize something, you're going to realize you turned your back on love, you watched the girl that truly loved you and really did care walk out the door, you were the one that let me go, and then im going to look back on this and realize something, im going to realize this all was your loss, not mine, you were the one that watched love walk out the door, im not the stupid one for giving this all up, you are, after all this is over and through, ill still have everything i went in with, but you'll come out with so much less. *
* in a matter of days my world fell apart, i got abandoned, twice, one by my life, my world, the one thing that held my life together, and then by my moms life, my moms world, the best thing in her life since my dad, he was like family to me, he was like family to all of us, and in a matter of hours we watched him pull out of the driveway, no hug, no sign of regret, no goodbye, just the sound of his car going off in the distance, he was the only person since my father, i ever came close to calling dad, so i watched the guy i love walk out of my life, and watched my 'dad' drive out of my life.. only in the matter of days. *
* your reason for waking up is her, and you two are my reason for wanting to stay in bed, your reason for living is her, and you two are my reason for wanting to die, your reason for holding on is her, and you two are my reason for slipping away, your reason for smiling is her, and you two are my reason for crying, your reason for living is her, and you two are my reason for wanting to die.. *
* I'm laying in bed and i can hear the fighting starting up again, its really nothing new, i grew up with it, and im still dealing with it day after day, my mom wont stop crying, the yelling wont stop, nothing is going right, nothing is getting better. *
* I almost closed the door on love, packed my bags and walked away, i came so close to leaving your side, you threw my heart right on the ground and my trust right out the window, i swore i would never come back, never love again, but i just could not hold myself to those words that i said, from the moment i walked away, to all the tim spent crying on the floor, running the memories through my head, i knew i had just walked away from the greatest thing in my life, though we've had out downs, they were nothing compared to our times spent together, from then i knew that the door was worth opening just one more time *
* she put you down, i was there to bring you up, she broke your heart, i was there to pick up the pieces, she made your life hell, i tried to show you heaven, she dissed you and rejected you, while i gladly accepted you, now shes upset, now shes the one crying, why are you running to her side? why are you giving up what we have for her? she's given you nothing but hell and tears, so please for me, rethink what your doing and remember what she did. *
* My life changed when you came in, you opened new doors for me, showed me a new way to life, taught me to take the good along with the bad, smile through the sad, you taught me how to forgive, not necessarily how to forget, but now i can look through your mistakes and pick out the good, you hurt me, but you gave me so much more, im so glad that you taught me all there is to know, becuase if you hadnt, i would still look at you with eyes of pain and hatred, but instead i look at you with eyes full of happiness and love, so glad to have someone like you looking back into them. *
* what was it that i looked past before? you treat me better than ive ever been treated and thats for sure, im glad i finally opened my eyes and escaped all the wrong people and their lies, i found myself wrapped inside you, the feeling to me is very new, ive never been treated so well, one look into your eyes and i could tell, you are all i was looking for, you are my everything, and definitely so much more *
* i was with you that day, watching you smile and watching you laugh, just messing around like we always did, we were all getting ready to leave and go home you said 'bye, catch you all tomorrow' you sped out of the parking lot like you always did, your car making its signiture noise, i went home that night, couldnt wait to hang out again tomorrow, woke up for school that morning, same routine, a normal day, i got to school, started going through the day, first period slowly went by, i arrived at second period, everything still okay, then i heard it, i heard what had happened, you got caught, you got busted, i heard i wasnt gona see much of you around anymore, maybe never again, i couldnt take the news, i couldnt stand the thought, the thought of never hearing your voice, the thought of never seeing your smile, the thought of never being able watching you speed out of the parking lot like you always did, its been a couple months, no sign of you, no one has heard from you, i hope your doing alright, i hope you'll come back home soon, all i want is just one last ride.. *
* i want it back, just one last time, you held me close, you held me tight, i never felt so good. the dream ive had for so long was now becoming reality. all i ever wanted was for you to need me like i needed you, for you to love me like i loved you. for a few nights my life was complete, now my life is just shattered. i am now here, bruised and broken, feeling so used. but the weird thing is i still need you like i used to, i still love you just as much as i did before. all i want is just one more night with you, i just want it back.. *
* you say your sorry and your just confused, i dont even know what to think. yes, im mad and yes, im hurt, but i tell you theres no need to aploligize. you made me tryly happy, thought it was only for a matter of days, they were special. those days probably meant nothing to you, but they meant everything to me. looking back on all the times we had i will smile and a tear will come to my eye. that tear symbolizes a lot. it symbolizes the pain you've caused me, its for the love i still have for you. that tear will be followed by many more because looking back makes me think, and it makes me rememeber just how much i miss you, how much i love you and how i would give anything just to be in your arms.. *
* the minute i saw you, i realized you were someone special, without you by my side the days were lonely and the nights so cold, the one night we came together, things had never felt so right, your hand in my hand, your lips on mine, for that moment the world around me just disappeared, being with you felt like for the first time in my life i didnt need to try so hard to be happy, just all the little things you did seemed like so much, whether you realize it or not, you meant the world to me, the times we shared will never be replaced, but our lives are slowly slipping apart and my face will soon be gone out of your head, these games are just getting too painful, its just too hard for me to stick around any longer *
* im just a teenage girl with a messed up life, a sad little girl with a broken heart and shattered dreams, just me .. trying to make it through .. *
* you smiled as my world came crashing down, you held her as my tears were pouring out, you laughed while i faced the hardest days of my life, so while im learning to survive day by day, searching for reasons to hold on, you are somewhere out there, smiling and living for her *
* I have a great sense of insecurity, i feel betrayed by friends and family constantly, when my friends turn me down i turn to my family, realizing my family is broken, but even then when i turn to them for approval they just turn me down, my parents wonder why i cant be more like my brothers, when i turn to my brothers they ask me why im so stupid and naive, just because i dont get life and the heartache it can bring yet, doesnt mean i should be smarter or more liike my brothers, it just means that i need someone to turn to when i get my heart broken and my friends turn away *
* i sometimes find myself sitting in my room staring out the window, dreaming of what my life could be, what if i took a right turn instead of a left? what if i said no when i gladly accepted? what if i stood up for myself instead of letting people walk all over me? my life could be so much different, for the better, or for the worse, i sometimes find myself sitting in my room staring out the window, wishing i was someone else, my life could just be normal, my family could all be one, maybe i wouldnt lay in bed at night crying to myself, so maybe if i took a right turn instead of a left i wouldnt be the person i am today *
* here i am, another night alone, no one around, no one to care, everyone is somewhere, somewhere with someone, while i find myself here, by myself, while i taste the tears and as i see the hurt in my eyes reflecting in the mirror, i think about my life, wondering why it has to be mine *
* sitting here looking into the mirror, i see a teardrop running down my cheek, followed by a thousand more, i slowly step away from the mirror and carry myself to bed, i hide under the covers, i hide myself from the world, i cry to myself to let all my fears out, to let all my concerns and emotions out, after im finished and feeling a bit better i carry myself back to the mirror, only to face more disappointment, i realize im still the same, i go back to my bed and cry some more, it has become a routine.. *
* I ask god everynight why.. why am i stuck with myself, why do i have to be me? i am nothing, i am worthless, i am just 'that girl' why do i have to deal with being me? maybe if people understood what life brings me they would talk a little nicer, or care a little more, or maybe -- just maybe they would understand why i always have that bit of pain in my eyes and that tear running down my cheek.. *
* if only someone would lend me some time or give me a glance, they would see my heartbreak or the tears forming behind my eyes. im so scared of life, scared of another heartbreak, scared of getting abandoned once again, so you see, im scared of everything thrown my way, but most of all, im scared of being alone *
* ive been getting let down all my life. starting at the age of 6 with my dad, until now, by guys and friends. everytime i turn my back i turn around to a slap in the face, i turn around and welcome reality and say hello to another breakdown. when i feel abandoned or betrayed cruel voices and visions play in my head, they replay that horrible nightmare i faced when i was 6. my past has a way of sneaking up on me and breaking me down when i least expect it and when i cant handle it *
* i live for the sound of your heartbeat, so come here, come close, lay next to me and hold me tight. never let me go. forget about the world, look into my eyes, stay with me til the night comes to an end, dont lose grip for i could slip away into the nasty world. i cant face it alone, i need to have you close, lets sta heart to heart, hand in hand, and the world will never get the best of us *
* some days its hard facing the world, especially wearing a fake smile fooling everyone into thinking your okay, when inside your the only one that knows your not, you dont want to lie to your friends, you dont want to lie to your family, but some days thats just what you have to do to make it, you have to pretend to be okay, pretend that you arent hurting, you want someone to notice your pain, but you dont want the world to know, so until someone can see through your bright eyes and fake smile, you will just have to lay low and fake it *
* when one person doesnt care i start questioning if anybody does. when person points out my faults i wonder if thats what the world wants to do but only one person had the guts to do it. so really it only takes one person to make me think, one person to make me doubt myself, one person to tear me apart inside, and one person to destroy who i thought i was *
* people are always asking me wats wrong, i dont even know, its just this feeling ive had for so long, usually i try not to let it show, but as the days pass by, it gets harder to hide, my smile-yah its fake, who am i kidding? all im doing is living one big lie *
* its weird how you are the only guy i have and could ever like for this long -- without anything in return -- and when i try to move on, i can only think of reasons why i should stick around -- cant you see.. you are all i want ..and all that i cant have *
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